[She shrugs a shoulder. She does, but she also doesn't. She doesn't do vulnerable very well. Even with Shaun. And the dreams had made her feel very vulnerable, worming their way through all the weak spots in her armor and leaving her feeling weak and exposed. Sure, no one actually saw her like that, but that doesn't make her feel less violated.]
Uh huh. [He props himself up on one arm so he can see her better.] Which is why you're waking me up with ridiculous questions and looking pretty fucking stressed.
You can't see me. You don't know how stressed I'm looking.
[It's pedantic and unhelpful and not even entirely true because Shaun might not be able to see like she can, but he still knows her well enough to read her in the dark. But Shaun's the only one she can be unreasonable around, and sometimes she needs to be.
But he isn't wrong. She exhales and shifts onto her side again so she can meet his eyes.]
There've been a few of them. The specific theme varies, as well as the players, but the crux of it is that I'm too focused on the truth and I'm going to get people hurt. [She reaches for his hand.] I know I hurt you more than anyone. I don't want it to happen again.
[It would be easy to just say yes to reassure her, but George has always valued the truth more than any comfortable platitudes.]
Of course I wish you were still alive. Of course I would do just about anything to have that. [Including living quite comfortably in a fantasy land that regularly tortures its inhabitants.] But we are who we are, and I just can't see another path for us, you know? And I don't want to change you. I just want you back.
[It's probably the best answer he could give. She wouldn't believe him if he just said yes. It's good to know that she can count on him not to lie to her, even if it seems like what she wants to see. She tugs on his hand, pulling him closer.]
I think I might have hurt a lot of people. But I don't know what else I could have done. Not with a story that big.
Maybe. But I don't know what else we could have done either. I don't think either of us could have sat on that story. [He pulls his hand from hers so that he can put his arm around her.] I don't think anyone blames you, George. You're not the one that started it.
I know. [All sorts of people believed her. All sorts of people were right on board. Not all of them made it out.
She shuts her eyes, letting the sound of Shaun's heartbeat calm her a little. She can't think of a single choice she could have made differently, even knowing where it led, so she must have done the right thing. The only thing.]
[He smiles a little.] Like you said. Variations on a theme. Mostly the theme of losing you, and how well I don't cope with that. [He tightens his arm around her, reassuring himself that she's still solid and still there.]
But that's not really news to anyone, I don't think.
[She brushes her lips against his knuckles. She's here. She can't promise she'll be here forever. She's not a liar, and Wonderland being what it is, she can't know. But she's here now. They have more time than they should have.]
Mm. [He sighs quietly looks down at her, trying to see as much of her expression as he can in the dimness.] You think I can do it, right? Finish what we started?
[She doesn't hesitate as she answers.] I know you can. [She looks up at him, eyes shining with faith and trust.] You've never let me down. And you're a hell of a lot smarter than anyone gives you credit for.
[And the second they get out of bed, she'll go back to calling him an idiot. But it's not like they can use normal pet names. Insults have to do.]
[It fucking better have been big. She feels the way he relaxes and nestles her head against his shoulder again. Shaun's about as good at admitting weakness as she is, and she's gonna damn well be as supportive as she can.]
Remember when I thought Yellowstone was too dangerous?
[Except if he kept posting pictures from all these dangerous locations, he'd have to keep surviving them. She doesn't expect Shaun will stick around long after he finishes this story, but she still wants him to live. It's nice to think that if there's an afterlife, and if that afterlife has an internet connection, she'd be able to see his ongoing adventures and know he was getting out of each of them okay.]
You're going to ruin my News blog with your Irwin shenanigans.
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[It's hard to talk about them in specifics, even after having decided she was going to. She rolls onto her back, looking up at the ceiling.]
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[Obviously she does, or she wouldn't have brought it up, but it does't hurt to give her an opening.]
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They're just dreams. Really obnoxious dreams.
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[It's pedantic and unhelpful and not even entirely true because Shaun might not be able to see like she can, but he still knows her well enough to read her in the dark. But Shaun's the only one she can be unreasonable around, and sometimes she needs to be.
But he isn't wrong. She exhales and shifts onto her side again so she can meet his eyes.]
There've been a few of them. The specific theme varies, as well as the players, but the crux of it is that I'm too focused on the truth and I'm going to get people hurt. [She reaches for his hand.] I know I hurt you more than anyone. I don't want it to happen again.
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I might not be the right person to ask. Telling the truth is part of who you are. You know I wouldn't change that.
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Of course I wish you were still alive. Of course I would do just about anything to have that. [Including living quite comfortably in a fantasy land that regularly tortures its inhabitants.] But we are who we are, and I just can't see another path for us, you know? And I don't want to change you. I just want you back.
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I think I might have hurt a lot of people. But I don't know what else I could have done. Not with a story that big.
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It was important. Bigger than both of us. Bigger than all of us. The world needed to know.
[It's all stuff that she's always believed. But she still isn't sure who she's trying to convince.]
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You don't have to convince me, you know. I was always right on board with you.
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She shuts her eyes, letting the sound of Shaun's heartbeat calm her a little. She can't think of a single choice she could have made differently, even knowing where it led, so she must have done the right thing. The only thing.]
I just didn't like that it made me doubt that.
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But that's not really news to anyone, I don't think.
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No, somehow caught on to that one.
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[And the second they get out of bed, she'll go back to calling him an idiot. But it's not like they can use normal pet names. Insults have to do.]
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Thanks. It's just... a lot bigger than anything we've ever done before.
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[It fucking better have been big. She feels the way he relaxes and nestles her head against his shoulder again. Shaun's about as good at admitting weakness as she is, and she's gonna damn well be as supportive as she can.]
Remember when I thought Yellowstone was too dangerous?
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Yeah. I remember. And how you wouldn't let me go to Shady Cove. I'm going to go there one day. Just you wait.
[Of course, it will probably be his last trip, but that's okay. it is the destination of a lifetime.]
I'll take a selfie and post it on your blog.
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[Except if he kept posting pictures from all these dangerous locations, he'd have to keep surviving them. She doesn't expect Shaun will stick around long after he finishes this story, but she still wants him to live. It's nice to think that if there's an afterlife, and if that afterlife has an internet connection, she'd be able to see his ongoing adventures and know he was getting out of each of them okay.]
You're going to ruin my News blog with your Irwin shenanigans.
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