"I didn't give it to her. I asked her to create it, and she'll
remove it the second I get my deal. But it's automatic. That's the
point." In some ways it was terrifying, but in others, she feels
like a giant weight was lifted off her shoulders.
"That even if no one is around, even if I don't have time to reach for a
gun, I don't have to spend every day worrying about whether I'll be the
source of the zombie apocalypse spreading through the Barge, or the
multiverse, all the countless worlds out there I could infect. Because if
that happens, it's on me. Period. I chose to be here, and I'm the only
vector for amplified K.A. running around."
He could not care less about the semantics of how a suicide squad style kill switch got implanted in his friend's head, and the look on his face could not make that plainer. "You did not ask to be born in a world with a wildly contagious zombie virus, and it's not your responsibility to mitigate all possible risk on the magic fuck boat. That should be your employer's job. The Admiral. You know. The guy who can grant your deal. That's bullshit."
"Yes, it should, but I think we both know better than to trust people just
because they're in positions of authority. I didn't ask to be born into a
world with Kellis-Amberlee, but I did ask to be on the Barge." She
chose this, knowing the risks she would inflict on every person on board.
"It is on me to manage the risks I carry with me. I always know my
angles, Shaun. I trust Iris a hell of a lot more than the Admiral. And
I," her voice falters here, breaking a little as she admits, "I don't know
how I would live with doing to anyone else what I did to Misty last fall.
Once was already too much. It would fucking wreck me. We're not supposed
to wake up and live with the knowledge that we bit and turned someone."
He gives her a sour look. No fair using Shaun's entirely earned loathing of authority against him. "It's still bullshit," he says flatly. "And so was last fall. You didn't do that. Henry did." Has he since forgiven Henry? Yes. Did Henry eventually become his weird friend? Also yes. But he hasn't forgotten what happened.
"I play the hand I'm dealt. And I know my priorities." Maggie shakes her
head. "I held off so long because this is an extreme measure, and
on some levels it's terrifying. But on others? It's as much of a relief
as John Gaius modifying my skin, or Sweeney giving me pills to prevent
transmission of the unamplified virus. A weight lifted. The assurance
that I've done something, that the chances of ever harming someone
like that again have gone way down."
Softly, "You can tell me it's not my fault all you want, but that doesn't
do anything about the guilt in my head and my heart and the pit of my
stomach."
He glowers at her. He hates it. The idea of an automatic kill switch feels about a million times worse to him than looking at red red red on a blood test and knowing what you have to do. Doing it had almost killed him, but it still seems preferable to this, and he's not sure how to explain why.
In any case, there's nothing he can do about it. It's her decision, her body, and her conscience. He can't determine risk for her any more than she can for him.
"If this is the thing I'm only probably going to hate, the thing I'm definitely going to hate must be a real doozy."
Meanwhile, the other part of this, the part Maggie isn't saying, the
part that Raylan would probably hate too... is that talking to Raylan
helped solidify her decision on the kill switch. He hated the idea of Iris
turning her in part because he was terrified that one day something would
go wrong, and she'd become a threat and he'd have to shoot her. She can't
promise she'll never be a threat, the Barge being what it is. But she can
do this. She can lessen the chances.
Maggie doesn't want any of her people having to live with taking her down.
Not after the worried look on Raylan's face. Not after witnessing the
trauma Shaun carries.
She grimaces. "It is. You, in particular, are going to hate this one. But
please keep in mind that I'm no longer a zombie threat. I would probably
have chosen that safety measure either way, but I would never do the
next thing if I were an amplification risk."
"That isn't the only thing Iris and I did. ...You know she's a werewolf,
right?" This is going exactly where it sounds like, and Maggie braces for
the explosion.
It doesn't come right away. It takes the words a few moments to sink in, but when it does, there isn't the disbelief that had accompanied her first announcement. "Fucking what." he asks finally. It's not really a question as much as it is a placeholder for the outburst he's barely holding in check.
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"I didn't give it to her. I asked her to create it, and she'll remove it the second I get my deal. But it's automatic. That's the point." In some ways it was terrifying, but in others, she feels like a giant weight was lifted off her shoulders.
"That even if no one is around, even if I don't have time to reach for a gun, I don't have to spend every day worrying about whether I'll be the source of the zombie apocalypse spreading through the Barge, or the multiverse, all the countless worlds out there I could infect. Because if that happens, it's on me. Period. I chose to be here, and I'm the only vector for amplified K.A. running around."
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"Yes, it should, but I think we both know better than to trust people just because they're in positions of authority. I didn't ask to be born into a world with Kellis-Amberlee, but I did ask to be on the Barge." She chose this, knowing the risks she would inflict on every person on board.
"It is on me to manage the risks I carry with me. I always know my angles, Shaun. I trust Iris a hell of a lot more than the Admiral. And I," her voice falters here, breaking a little as she admits, "I don't know how I would live with doing to anyone else what I did to Misty last fall. Once was already too much. It would fucking wreck me. We're not supposed to wake up and live with the knowledge that we bit and turned someone."
It still eats at her.
'Eats at her.' So to speak. XD
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"I play the hand I'm dealt. And I know my priorities." Maggie shakes her head. "I held off so long because this is an extreme measure, and on some levels it's terrifying. But on others? It's as much of a relief as John Gaius modifying my skin, or Sweeney giving me pills to prevent transmission of the unamplified virus. A weight lifted. The assurance that I've done something, that the chances of ever harming someone like that again have gone way down."
Softly, "You can tell me it's not my fault all you want, but that doesn't do anything about the guilt in my head and my heart and the pit of my stomach."
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In any case, there's nothing he can do about it. It's her decision, her body, and her conscience. He can't determine risk for her any more than she can for him.
"If this is the thing I'm only probably going to hate, the thing I'm definitely going to hate must be a real doozy."
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Meanwhile, the other part of this, the part Maggie isn't saying, the part that Raylan would probably hate too... is that talking to Raylan helped solidify her decision on the kill switch. He hated the idea of Iris turning her in part because he was terrified that one day something would go wrong, and she'd become a threat and he'd have to shoot her. She can't promise she'll never be a threat, the Barge being what it is. But she can do this. She can lessen the chances.
Maggie doesn't want any of her people having to live with taking her down. Not after the worried look on Raylan's face. Not after witnessing the trauma Shaun carries.
She grimaces. "It is. You, in particular, are going to hate this one. But please keep in mind that I'm no longer a zombie threat. I would probably have chosen that safety measure either way, but I would never do the next thing if I were an amplification risk."
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"That isn't the only thing Iris and I did. ...You know she's a werewolf, right?" This is going exactly where it sounds like, and Maggie braces for the explosion.
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